why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
So squirting runs in the family.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
