at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
