There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize