She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize