Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
