haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
