His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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