I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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