I wanna bring you to show and tell
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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