I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
