If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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