Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize