You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
