shes about as inviting as chlamydia
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
