ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
