I wish I could teleport
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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