no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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