Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
