So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
