you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
