so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
