I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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