if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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