oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
This is my gift to your gina
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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