the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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