just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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