Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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