The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
