my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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