Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
