NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
