I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
