that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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