The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
