it was like his penis was on wheels.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize