Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
