I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
