I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
