Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
