now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
