we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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