Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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