Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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