i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
