I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
did i just pee glitter
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
