with your own penis?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
