Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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