how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You ruined the universe
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
