I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
