dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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