i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
my liver is dry heaving
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
