he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
