need another drink. this is the easiest way
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
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