The maid of honor just puked.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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