he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Randomize
