I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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