help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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