we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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