oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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