We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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