You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
