The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
